Re-posting this because it STILL needs to be said. 

Bathroom sign in a Chicago restaurant

Sometimes I feel like the only person in the Midwest who uses the words woman and women instead of lady and ladies. Am I the only one who learned during the 1980s that lady is euphemistic and sexist? I’ve actually heard someone say the word woman sounds coarse and derogatory. That’s absurd, but a lot of Americans behave like they believe the same thing.

Historically, the terms lady and gentleman connoted a standard of social behavior that accompanied a certain social standing. A lady, in particular, was “a woman of superior social position, especially one of noble birth.” She behaved modestly, politely, asexually, etc. All women aspired to be ladies. Ladies were more strongly marked as feminine and didn’t do work, which often meant needing to be taken care of, handled with delicacy and shielded from the rough world of men.

Clearly, most Americans no longer see women as needing to be shielded from the world of men. So why do we default to using the word lady instead of the word woman?

Many Midwesterners (I live in Chicago) argue that when they use the word lady, they aren’t using it with its old historical meaning. It’s just a word now. But Paula Dean tried to say that about her use of the N word and it didn’t work then either. Certain words have specific and powerful historical meanings and you can’t divorce them from that history just from common use.

Any use of unequal terms perpetuates inequality. If Americans used the word gentlemen in our daily speech as much as we use ladies, we would be using equal terms. But we don’t. When English speakers shifted to preferring the word men over gentlemen, why didn’t we make a similar shift to the word women?

I believe it’s because people — however unconsciously — still imagine that women are fundamentally more delicate than men. Too many think females actually are supposed to be more polite, modest, and in need of caretaking than males. A man can be any kind of man, but we prefer a woman to “act like a lady,” with certain expectations of modest appearance and restrained behavior. Even for people who don’t believe this, using the word lady when they don’t use the word gentleman, evokes the double standard of behavior we all grew up with: boys will be boys, but girls must become “little ladies” as early as possible.

Bathroom sign in a Chicago restaurant

Using the word ladies when we’re not using the equivalent term gentlemen reflects our historical sexism. I’m an independent, free, swear-word-using woman, but each time someone refers to me as a lady I feel the weight of expectations of ladylike behavior: historically, ladies don’t use swear words, sit with their knees apart, burp in public or make their sexual desires clear, and too many of us believe that about women in general. Those expectations still live in that word, so don’t you dare call me a lady.

If you’re one of those people who only feels comfortable calling women ladies, then at least be consistent about also calling men gentlemen. Equality is reflected in using equal terms for females and males, such as talking about men and women, or girls and boys. Saying men and girls or men and ladies is sexist.

And when did it became rude to call someone a woman? No one acts like it’s rude to call someone a man. In fact, “being a man” or “taking it like a man” are used positively (“running like a girl” is not). But I’ve had people tell me they use lady because it sounds young while woman sounds old, and that lady sounds familiar while woman sounds distancing, and even that lady sounds respectful while woman sounds coarse. Woman sounds negative to certain people, while man is just fine.

I cry out in the midst of the heartland: Does no one see the sexism in using lady instead of woman? Don’t you want to resist sexism by using the word woman in a neutral or positive way?

Sadly, few even understand what I’m saying. I’m the odd one out, especially when I protest about people using the words men and ladies as if they’re equivalent. When someone is referring to full grown adults, I find men and ladies just as insulting as men and girls. The photos posted with this blog post show an instance of this. A lot of restaurants label their bathrooms Ladies and Men and it makes my skin crawl every time.

Stop thinking that because you MEAN no harm, you’re causing no harm. People use that defense when they use words like “retard” and “n—–” and it doesn’t stand up in those instances either. I’m a woman: equal to men and not afraid of being “unladylike.” Let’s take the negative meaning off the word woman and call things as they really are. It drives me crazy when even my most left-leaning, progressive friends don’t get this.

You know sexism lives deep in a society when people can’t see it in the words they use.

15 June 2023

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