Since “Juldemort” (July 2020 was so horrific for me that’s how I refer to it) I’ve noticed startling changes in myself. One is that I no longer prefer gray skies to bright ones. As this 2015 post expresses, I used to dislike and avoid sunny days, staying inside so the light couldn’t touch me and blind me. I looked forward every year to the lengthening nights of autumn. I thought I was a “low-stimulus” person who was easily overwhelmed by brightness and heat.
Not anymore. Now I like when it’s bright outside and I welcome direct sunlight into my apartment. Gray skies feel oppressive to me and lower my mood. That never used to be true.
From working with a powerful spiritual healer, I’ve begun welcoming more light and love into my daily routine. After the horrific healing I went through last summer, I avoid dark things like horror movies because I know they’ll exacerbate the anxiety and fear I’ve been struggling through. Yes, Regina Rodríguez-Martin who has loved dearly horror movies and horror novels, who constantly seeks a darker scare, seeks the scary no more! My mind is still in recovery from the things I went through and I can’t handle images of a malevolent spiritual world. I need to believe in a benevolent spiritual world. I need to believe life isn’t full of entities that want to do me harm.
My fear and anxiety are still in my body and it’s important not to feed them, so I’m on a diet of lighter movies and books, or at least neutral ones. I’ve been watching an AMC series on Netflix called Halt and Catch Fire about computer nerds at the beginning of online connection and it’s been perfect for me. No ghosts, demons or killers.
But I also miss the ghosts, demons and killers. It’s been hard lately because October is one of my favorite months, partly because of the horror fest that’s everywhere. Every year I relish the horror media everywhere; I eat this stuff up! I mean I used to. Now I look with sadness at the “Huluween” trailer, feeling like an outsider looking in on the Hallween party that’s no longer for me. It feels like an addiction because I long for it, but know it would be bad for me.
I used to crave physical darkness in the weather and thematic darkness in my media. I’m different now and that’s weird and uncomfortable, but it’s also undeniable. I feel like this is the right direction for me. I think it’s time for me to be a…brighter person?
I’d be interested in meeting this “brighter Regina” 🙂 Here’s looking forward to it in the future!
Really? This sounds good to you?