A peer who I didn’t know well asked, “Do you speak Spanish?”

I winced and asked why he was asking. He said he’s learning Spanish and was curious about if I could speak it. I explained that this question is painful for me because it’s complicated and bound up in old cultural shame and alienation. I also said it’s a question I only get from white people.

He regretted asking and felt embarrassed. I told him not to feel too bad because he didn’t know.

A co-worker who had dotted line authority over me asked, “Do you speak Spanish?”

I knew I should be careful since this was the workplace and I needed her to like me. But I still had to say, “I envy those for whom that question is easy.” Then I explained that I didn’t grow up speaking Spanish because my parents didn’t speak it with me even though it was their first language. I said I’d learned it in school, but had spent a lifetime feeling inadequate and stumbling over every sentence whenever I did speak it.

When I asked why she wanted to know, she said she was learning Spanish.

I could go on, but you get the idea. White people have been asking this question my whole life and it’s always uncomfortable for me. Most people can answer such a question easily. Does my friend Paloma speak Spanish? She says yes without hesitation. Does my ex-husband speak Spanish? He says no immediately.

It’s just me who gets tangled up in the question, shame washing over me. When asked, I take a moment as my mind flips through all the answers I’ve ever given, determining which is the most appropriate in this situation. Is it worth explaining? What’s behind the question? Do I need to protect myself from their motivation? And mainly: what answer will end this exchange the fastest and with the least discomfort for all involved?

Here are some of the answers I’ve given in the past:

A little.

Only in case of emergency.

Only when I'm talking to someone who only speaks Spanish.

I envy those for whom that's an easy question.

Kind of.

No.

I realize a lot of American-born white people think speaking a language other than English is convenient or even cool. They think it must be great to travel and speak the language of the country. Or they think it would get them a job faster. Or they think it’s convenient to have a “code language” to speak when you don’t want everyone to understand. Or they just think speaking a language other than English gives us cognitive ability they’ll never have.

But if you come from a family that speaks a language besides English, it’s not “cool.” It just is. Language is practical. If you need a language —  to hold a job or talk with family or connect socially — you learn it. If you don’t need it, you don’t learn it.

It’s unfair, but I get annoyed when a white person tells me they want to improve their Spanish for when they travel. I want to improve my Spanish so I can stop feeling shame. I feel envy because for them Spanish is recreational, not painful and alienating.

I’m not saying no one should ever ask if someone speaks a certain language. I’m saying it’s a fraught question for some of us and there’s no way for you to predict which way it’ll go. I had a friend whose parents spoke Korean as their first language. He felt the same way I did about this. We wished people wouldn’t assume we spoke the language of our parents just because we looked like them.

Please be careful when asking about someone’s language. For many people from immigrant families, language is very personal. For some it’s even emotional and we can get defensive about it. A white person asking if someone speaks a certain language because the person has a certain last name or looks a certain way feels racist.

So, please only ask the question if you have a genuine need to know, such as you’re on the phone at work and the caller only speaks Spanish and you need someone who can talk to them. Unless it’s that urgent, let it go.

If you become my friend and get to know me better, I’ll bring it up eventually. With a new friend, I usually end up talking about how I feel about Spanish within maybe a year. If you aren’t going to put that much time into getting to know me, please don’t ask such a personal question.

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