Also:
How to make friends, part 1
How to make friends, part 2
How to maintain a friendship
How to end a friendship
How to make friends, part 1
How to make friends, part 2
How to maintain a friendship
How to end a friendship
You’ve overcome the initial fear of rejection and have the contact info of
someone you’d like to make friends with. Here’s what I’ve learned to do next.
someone you’d like to make friends with. Here’s what I’ve learned to do next.
1. Make the first move. And the second move. And the third move. That means that if you contact a new potential friend for coffee and they don’t answer, try again in a week. The second attempt asks if they got your first text/email/voicemail. It’s very common for messages to get lost in the shuffle, which you know from your own life. You know how sometimes you respond to a text in your head, but never send it in real life? Yeah? Then give them a second chance!
I also give a third chance. If they don’t respond after three chances, then I let them go, without prejudice because I —
2. — don’t take it personally. If they ignore your invitations or fail to thank you for having them over or never reciprocate by inviting you back, do not take it personally. That is not about you. It’s about them. They have bad manners or they’re too busy for new friends or they enjoy your company but just never think to call you or who knows what.
I’ve spent years being the initiator for good friends (often people with kids) who never invite me out, but assure me they love seeing me and they always say yes when I invite them. Why don’t they reciprocate? Why don’t they ever invite me to brunch? I think it’s partly about being busy and partly about their fear of rejection. A lot of people let fear of rejection stop them from issuing invitations, so it’s up to us to be the brave ones. Be one of the brave ones!
3. Don’t keep score. Do not wait for someone to invite you out because you invited them out. Don’t think like this: “I asked her to lunch the last two times we got together, so I’m not contacting her until she contacts me.” That thinking is petty, but worse it can keep you alone and at home. Who cares who asked who out last? If you had a good time and she says yes every time you contact her, contact her again.
4. Make finding new friends a permanent part of your life. Don’t think you can make a certain number of friends and then stop because you now have all the friends you need. People constantly flow in and out of our lives, so you must replenish.
In 25 years of living in a place where I have no family and did not go to school, I’ve used these steps to make many, many friends. I regularly bring new friends into my life because friends move away, have children, drop off the face of the earth or otherwise get involved in their lives and can’t see me much anymore. So I keep the flow going by following these steps all the time, as part of my daily life.
This has worked for me. For decades I’ve enjoyed a strong personal community and I recommend these practices for anyone who likes having in-person friends. Do these things and you will eventually build and maintain the people you need in your life. But this series isn’t done yet.
Next: best practices for maintaining a healthy friendship.
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