When I began working at Northwestern University during the summer of 2023, I was told I could work from home. I didn’t want to. I knew most of my coworkers worked from home at least part of the time and I worried that I was less mature because I didn’t want that much isolation. I didn’t know how wrong my understanding was.
I’m a natural introvert who recharges in solitude. For the vast majority of the past 30 years (I’m 58 years old), I’ve been on my own and this has mostly felt ideal.
The pandemic changed that. I had too much isolation, too much solitude. When we were told to celebrate the 2020 holidays just with those in our household, I cried a lot. Now I don’t like being alone so much. I’m not a pet person and only recently made the commitment to try to keep a rosemary plant alive (it’s not going very well).
After freelancing for 10 years, I took the Northwestern job in part, to stop being alone all day in my apartment. But for the past year at my new job, I’ve been surrounded by empty cubicles a lot of the time because many people can do their work at home. Coming to the office seems like a chore to them, a sacrifice. So, for most of the past year I’ve imagined them all at home, focusing on their work with no distractions, content in their solitude. I thought they were more mature than me, more emotionally stable, healthier. They were true grownups while I was a big baby who didn’t want to be alone.
A couple of months ago, a conversation revealed to me that most of them do NOT work from home alone. Most of them are at home with a spouse or roommate who also works from home. They aren’t alone at all! A couple of colleagues, who don’t have another person at home with them, have pets that keep them company. Those pets are a real presence to them, so they don’t feel alone.
This was a huge realization. I wasn’t a big crybaby for not wanting to be isolated all day. Many who work from home are getting camaraderie, if not community, from their home situations.
That helps a little, but it still leaves the problem of how to not feel so lonely. Even going in to the office four days a week and spending time every a week with friends (which I do), leaves 80% of my week in solitude. I learned from a video recently that one theory of why married people do better than single people is that married people have someone to come home to and decompress with every day. Having someone to unwind with improves emotional regulation, and I think pets function similarly. You get a nice, furry being to stroke, plus they’re great listeners.
Sadly, I’m not a pet person. I tried being a dog owner 12 years ago and it didn’t go well. How I wish I were a pet person! I could walk into an animal shelter, pick out a dog or cat, pay some money and walk out with a new best friend. But I’m a people person. Homo sapiens are my favorite species. There’s no place I can walk into, pay some money, and walk out with a new human friend.
So I keep doing what I’ve been doing: going to social events, networking events, Meetups and other gatherings to meet new people. I’m constantly on the lookout for new ways to meet people. I work every month to turn strangers into acquaintances and acquaintances into friends. I invite people to coffee or lunch. I find friends, make friends, maintain friendships, and spend time with others every week. I actively look for and build the community I long for.
I’m very good at all that. This introvert is very social. But it still means returning to an empty home and spending about 80% of my waking hours each week alone. So I choose to go into the office four days a week even though I could work from home. I’m trying to shake off solitude, and now I know that many of the cubicles around me are empty because coworkers have found their community elsewhere.
