Every year, at least a couple of people wish me a happy Mother’s Day. They’re always strangers because no one who knows me would ever do that. I know I have the gray hair and wide girth of someone who’s not only a mother but a grandmother, but I’m neither.
People who know me also don’t talk to me about Mother’s Day because they know my relationship with my now-dead mother was very difficult. So Mother’s Day is really a non-holiday for me.
I was on Facebook earlier (because that’s how old I am) and I noticed an entire conversation between women who don’t want to be reminded of Mother’s Day. Some women posted that they had wanted children, but had been unable to have them, so the day makes them sad. Others said their children had died, making Mother’s Day extremely painful.
Some women posted that their mother was dead and Mother’s Day only brought them grief. Others posted that having a bad relationship with their mother made the day difficult.
One person posted about a coworker with an adult son. Someone wished her a “Happy Mother’s Day” only to find out the son had recently died. Another said she had a daughter from whom she was estranged. They hadn’t spoken in years.
Many of us posted about relationships with abusive mothers that made the holiday suck for us. Others commented dispassionately about the decision not to have children, making Mother’s Day greetings inappropriate.
In these cases and more, a stranger saying “Happy Mother’s Day” causes pain or, at best, awkwardness. I’m still not sure how to react when a stranger wishes me a happy Mother’s Day. I used to angrily say, “I’m not a mother.” Today I calmly replied, “I don’t have kids and I don’t have a mother, so I don’t do Mother’s Day.”
It’s possible that the vast majority of women have wonderful mothers and a wonderful experience of being a mother, so hearing “Happy Mother’s Day” evokes happiness. In fact, that must be the case or so many people wouldn’t walk around assuming every woman will be glad to hear those words.
But on this Mother’s Day and every year, please don’t wish someone a “Happy Mother’s Day” unless you know her and know such a greeting will be well received. If you say that to a stranger, no matter how “motherly” she appears to be, you have no way of knowing whether or not your greeting will cause her pain.
Well said!
I appreciate your perspective and your sharing your feelings.
Thanks. I get this mistake less than I used to.