In November 2020, I posted a piece called Going to Kick This F#$%-ing Sugar Problem. You could say I failed. You could say to be alive is to be playing a long game, so that goal is still in progress. Either way, here’s the update.

1. Between October 2022 and April 2023 I did some critical emotional work I’d never reached before. This was the bedrock of my lifelong self-hatred and self-sabotage. It turns out the decades of (very difficult and slow) emotional healing I’d done before had only prepared me for this work.
2. In April (two months ago) I finally cleared that old pain and trauma, and I began to see my way to the life I want, without the core belief that I don’t get to have what I want.
3. Last month my doctor told me I have prediabetes (my A1C level is 6.2% and normal is below 5.7%), but said I could still avoid diabetes with lifestyle changes.

It’s only because these three things happened that I am currently off all sweets. The prediabetes diagnosis scared me straight so that since that day, my package of Chip Ahoy cookies has sat half-eaten, the cans of Pepsi and Sprite are only for guests and I haven’t bought a single snack cake. The day before the diagnosis I had opened a new 52 oz. bottle of cranberry juice; it’s been sitting in my fridge untouched ever since.

For the first week the sugar cravings were zero. I think I was in shock from the diagnosis, so I even kept a commitment to bring dessert to a friend’s party with no temptation to cut a slice for myself. I made a frosted layer cake from scratch and watched everyone else dig in, but only saw that cake as an enemy to my A1C level.

After the first week, the shock wore off and the slog began. I now manage cravings every day. I even had a bad evening when I faced lot of fear about my career, income level, and unknown future and I lost it. I wept and worried and really needed cake. God, I wanted a frosted cake. But instead of going to the store (or the kitchen to start baking), I used EFT tapping until the craving was gone. That was the first clue that maybe I really can live without sweets, even when life feels hard.

6 June 2023

Since my 20s I’ve been like a well-intentioned smoker: I’ve quit sugar many times. The first time I was 27. The most recent time before this I was 54. I abstain from added sugars for two or six months, getting my physical body completely clear of its dependence. I reach health and balance and then I start indulging again.

Sweets are my comfort, my habit, my go-to for celebrations, disasters, and just-because. When people ask for my favorite food (meaning cuisine) I say, “Cake.” Sweets are who I AM. I’m the cake woman, ready to bake for you at a moment’s notice. When you tell me you went to a birthday party or wedding, I ask what kind of cake they had. I have a folder of photos on my computer labeled Cake. And I can whip you up a layer cake at a moment’s notice, frosting and everything.

But that’s all over now because I’m finally emotionally strong enough for it to be over. It was impossible for me to permanently quit sugar while I was in as much emotional pain as I was in for five and a half decades. Now that that’s gone, I have promised myself that I will not become diabetic. I will get my blood sugar level down permanently. I will do this.

After about a month of no sweets and drastically reduced wheat, corn and white rice, I notice this:

1. Fewer energy dips in the afternoon.
2. Better short term memory.
3. Better bladder function (in every way).
4. Cough I’d had since winter is gone.
5. Chest wheezing I’d had since winter is gone.
6. Spring hay fever symptoms are greatly reduced.
7. A leather belt that was too snug on the first notch, now fits comfortably on the second notch (and leather doesn’t lie).

These changes help me keep those cravings in perspective.

I stared down a plate of pancakes just this morning when I ate out with a friend. The pancakes looked very good, but now when I look at food, I ask myself: What will it cost me if I eat/drink that? Today the answer was that eating pancakes would not only cost me my steady blood sugar level, it would rob me of energy: I wouldn’t last 30 minutes working at my desk without dozing off. That big a carb hit would destroy my ability to focus. It wasn’t worth it, so I didn’t have pancakes.

It’s still very early. I’ll take encouragement, but not congratulations. When I pass the six-month mark, that will be the longest that I’ve been off the (caramel) sauce. That will truly begin my new adventure living in balance, without that old bedrock of emotional pain or the sugary foods that helped me bear it.

I doubt he remembers, but when I was 26 I said these words to the man I was dating at the time: “I would give up all the cake in the world to not need it anymore.” I think I’m finally ready to do that.

6 June 2023

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