I am 55 and a half years old. My father is old. He lives alone in California with no family nearby. I live in Chicago and almost everyone else in the family lives in Houston. Because of certain health conditions, it would have been an excellent idea for my dad to have moved to Houston months ago. But no matter how many times we talk to him about it, he does not want to move.
In their last phone call, my sister and my dad had this exchange:
When will he be ready to move?
He doesn’t know.
Will he ever be ready to move?
He doesn’t know.
He’s being completely exasperating and impractical. Why would he not move to an area where people are waiting to help? My sister and other family members would welcome my dad in Houston. They’ve said repeatedly that they’re ready to help him with doctor appointments, errands, shopping, whatever he needs. In California he’s all alone with a single hired caregiver who can’t be there all the time. What if he falls? What if he needs to go to the ER? What if, what if, what if?
It’s the common problem of the middle-aged offspring trying to help an elderly parent who can’t do everything for himself anymore: why won’t he be practical and do what’s best for all concerned?
Well, there is another way to look at this. Maybe every time we say, “Familia in Houston are waiting to help you!” he hears “Familia in Houston are waiting to reduce your privacy and independence!”
Maybe to him, that exchange sounded like:
When will he be ready to give up his privacy and independence?
He doesn’t know.
Will he ever be ready to give up his privacy and independence?
He doesn’t know.
Who the heck would want to give up their privacy and independence, especially after enjoying living all by himself for nine years? Maybe we’re the ones being exasperating and impractical.
During a recent phone call with my sister I said, “What if we drop the rope? What if we stop trying to get him to move to Houston and stop researching housing and everything, and we just let him live out his days in California? And what if that means one day he falls in his kitchen and can’t get up and there’s no one to check on him and no one to help him and he dies like that? Can we live with that?”
Either our dad is completely delusional about the risks of continuing to live alone when he has trouble with mobility, hearing, and vision, or understands the risks. I suspect he understands and is willing to take the risk of ending up in the ER or dead because he can’t bring himself to give up his privacy and independence. He cannot accept that he isn’t still the independent man he’s been for years.
So I said to my sister, “What if we let him live and die the way he wants? Can we live with that?”
My sister said she has to try to help him move to Houston. My sister couldn’t live with herself if she didn’t do everything in her power to get him to a safe living situation near family. Then I answered my question. I told her I could live with dropping the rope right now. My sister knows me well and accepted this. It didn’t surprise her.
I’m not a family-first person and haven’t been since I escaped my mother’s orbit at the age of 24. I settled in Chicago, far from family, and have been here almost three decades, so I have some insight into my dad’s mindset. Maybe in 30 years I’ll become unable to take care of myself, but won’t want to move near family. If I choose to die here alone (on a kitchen floor) instead of moving to Houston, I’d hope people would respect that.
People tend to get caught up in what’s easiest for us. It would be much easier for us if our dad moved into a Houston assisted living place. Plus it would make my sister and me look good.
Others would think “What good daughters to take care of their father. They they found him a good place to live where people can take care of him. They must love him so much.” We would have done what society thinks is appropriate for daughters to do with an old father. Approval, approval!
But is the most important thing what’s easiest for the family? Should our desires supplant his? Maybe it would be societally appropriate to view my dad as a willful child who’s misbehaving or a pet to be cared for. If I saw him as one of those, then, yes, what works for us would be more important because dogs and children don’t call the shots.
But my dad isn’t a pet or a misbehaving child. If he truly prefers to die alone and isolated because in that way he’d be independent to the end, I could go along with that. My dad isn’t senile. He knows what he wants, and as long as his mind is clear I’m inclined to follow it. (If he completely loses lucidity and mental function, I’ll reevaluate.)
It’s hard to step out of your shoes and really look at things from someone else’s perspective. Most people don’t have that much empathy. But as a person who also chooses to live solo and far from family, I think I have some insight. I’m probably being naïve (having an aging parent is new to me), but my vote would be to let my dad live where he really wants to live, which is clearly the Bay Area.
If he dies alone and isolated, sooner than if he’d been in a nursing home or assisted living location, well, that’s his choice, isn’t it? Our society supports the individual choosing their final resting place or where they want their ashes scattered. Why would we not also be entitled to decide where we want to be when we release the last of our loosening grip on the world?
19 April 2022
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