In the post I finished an hour ago, I said that being able to add some foods back to my diet on Dec. 27th (while I’m on the McCombs Candida Plan) is another reason to wish December away as quickly as possible. December has always been my favorite month of all. Why do I want it to be over soon?

1. To get closer to the end of the pandemic, whenever that might be.
2. To get closer to the return of longer days now that I’m suddenly a person who likes sunlight (I wasn’t before last summer).
3. To get through this horrible Christmas season that feels completely wrong and sad and painful and I hate it.

I’ve been suffering from loneliness and isolation so much that right now I’m glad to hear someone doing outdoor work that includes power tools and hammering. I hate loud noise such as power tools and hammering! But today it makes me feel like I’m not alone in my apartment where I live alone.

The other night my downstairs neighbor was having an extremely animated conversation and his voice got so loud it was almost like having someone in the next room. I loved it. It made me feel like I wasn’t alone.

On the day before Thanksgiving I walked to the neighborhood market. It has a small parking lot, but gets a lot of pedestrian traffic. At 2:00 p.m. on the day before the holiday it was crowded. For a brief instant I registered my usual irritation that all these people were in my way, but it was quickly replaced with, “I’m in the physical presence of all these people. Look at all these people I’m with! I’m surrounded by people.”

It felt so wonderful that after I had my groceries, I stepped outside, stood on the sidewalk and spent time watching all the bustle. I stood there feeling the presence of people walking up, cars pulling into the little parking lot, small groups passing on the sidewalk, and a delivery truck waiting to unload. And I was not alone. I was in the company of dozens and I loved it.

The pandemic has caused some of my (many) friends to stay away from large gatherings, some to see me in person only one-on-one and some to stay away from me 100%. I haven’t felt this lonely since I first moved to Chicago and had no friends in the city at all.

The last time I had a roommate I was 29 years old. Besides the six years I spent living in the same apartment with the man who is now my ex-husband, I’ve chosen to live by myself for the past 25 years. I like living alone so much there were times during my marriage when I missed it. I do very well living alone. I’m an introvert who enjoys her own company and is an expert at maintaining an active social life. I enjoy seeing friends every week (at least I did).

So it’s been extremely surprising and disappointing to have developed an aversion to being physically alone. It only happened since my horrible healing crisis of the summer, but it’s obviously been worsened by the pandemic. I have developed anxiety that is exacerbated by too much alone time.

Goddammit.

The intersection of this almost phobic reaction to being physically by myself and my favorite holiday ever has had me in a bad state. I cannot be alone on Christmas Day. I CANNOT. I fear that would bring back the suicidal depression that got me locked up in 2017. It must not happen that I have to spend Christmas Day alone.

But what’s strange is that I’ve actually spent Christmas Day by myself and I was fine. In 2001 and 2005 I spent Christmas Day alone until I got together with friends in the evening, but in 2003 I spent the entire day and night alone and was perfectly okay. So what’s the problem?

I was complaining to a friend last week: “I’ve always loved living alone. Why do I suddenly hate it?” She said, “Because being alone isn’t your choice right now.”

It was an obvious explanation that stunned me with its truth. Why hadn’t I realized that? Of course that was the problem. For those past solo Christmases I could have returned to my parents’ house and spent the holiday with them, but that would have meant being around for my mother’s inevitable meltdown. I didn’t want to be emotionally kicked around on Christmas anymore, so I stayed in Chicago. Being all by myself on Christmas Day wasn’t ideal, but it was a hell of a lot better than putting up with my mother’s abuse. So I made the best of it and enjoyed my little celebrations.

Today my mother is dead, I have my own Christmas traditions with my friends and being by myself on the December 25th will probably never be my choice again. I need to regularly spend in-person time with my friends and for me Christmas is all about seeing my FRIENDS. Now that everyone is scatttered to their families or avoiding social events, how do I do this?

The New Age self-help approach would be to take back control by “reframing” the situation. Focus on things I still have the power to choose on Christmas Day such as whether or not I commune with nature or whether or not I call friends on the phone or whether or not I watch my favorite Christmas movies. Those are fine ideas, but if I have to do them alone, I’m afraid I’ll still struggle with my mood and that’s a high price for me to pay.

So I’m doing what feels right for me. I’ve made plans with a friend for Christmas Day. She’s the only person I know who will commit to spending time in person with me on Christmas and I’m extremely grateful for her. With her I know Christmas will be fun and delicious and sparkly. But I also know that if, in the days before the 25th, she has a coronavirus scare and suspects she might have been exposed, she’ll quarantine and spend the day alone. And that means I’ll spend the day alone.

So I’m also extremely grateful for another friend and her husband to whom I explained this when I saw them for Thanksgiving. They say they’ll be my Christmas backup plan! I felt such relief when they offered this. I’ve been very scared because of all the worst-case scenarios people have been managing with the coronavirus, my worst-case scenario is being alone on the most important holiday in my small life. When these two friends said they’d have me over for Christmas if that’s what keeps me from being alone — and they don’t even mind being Plan B! — I knew I’d done unusually well to have them as friends.

I believe with this double-plan I have secured my mood for Christmas so I won’t slip into a bad depression. I still need to get through the mourning of the December that should-have-been and that won’t be easy for any of us, but I think I can manage that all right.

 

29 Nov 2020

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