I read an article that said:
If a friend pulled out a cigarette and blew smoke into your face, you probably wouldn’t have a problem telling them to stop because we have a societal understanding that doing that is rude. But if that same friend pulled out their phone in the middle of a conversation with you, it’d be much harder to speak up because we haven’t yet agreed on etiquette for our phones. This is never going to change unless we start talking about it, so start talking about it.
Here’s me talking about it. I’ve told my friends I dislike when I’m with someone and their phone goes off and they reach for it. Just that reach annoys me. I really dislike when the person takes the call or starts texting back. If they say, “Sorry, it’s my mom. I have to answer her,” or “I’ve been waiting for this call all day,” I still dislike it. If it’s someone’s spouse, boss, child, big-money-client or deathbed-grandma, I do not want people interrupting their time with me because of a phone. As we did before cell phones, we can receive that message later when we’re free. I completely ignore my phone when I’m with others.
I realize for some it’s an endorphin thing. Many of us now get a little hit of endorphins with every text and sound our phones make. I’m asking my friends to give up that good feeling while they’re with me, which must seem painful to them.
Others are used to being in constant, immediate contact with their kids or parents or whomever. To give up that connection for even one hour must feel like severing the lifeline and maybe letting their children die because Regina needs all the attention.
Asking my friends to put their phones away challenges both those needs, and they’re powerful needs. So be it. Politeness often requires a little discomfort.
Thank you, Marge.
Andria, we choose to tolerate a server's interruption when we decide to sit in a place with table service.
If a friend interrupts me while I'm out with a friend, that's out of my control. But if they start to take a lot of time, it would be rude of me to not take control of the situation and cut it short.
But whether or not I keep my cell phone with me, leave it on, and pay attention to it are all within my control. That's the main difference between your server and person-who-stops-by-your-table scenarios.
I agree, Regina. I'm tired of the reach, the interruption when I'm out for meal with a friend or sharing an experience. It's dismissive. If you're expecting a call, say it up front and leave the phone on. Otherwise, turn the phone off or, as one friend does, leave it in the car. Don't ignore the one you're with for the possibility of engaging with someone else on your phone. Someone stopping by the table to serve or to say a quick hello doesn't bother me, but coming in second to the phone does.
Good observations. I agree about how intrusive a phone is.
But it also makes me wonder why, when a waiter steps up to the table and we stop the conversation to talk to her, that feels acceptable but the phone interruption does not? Or say a friend walks by the table, suddenly realizing they know you. They stop to say hello, also interrupting the table conversation. Again, this seems to be OK but the phone seems more intrusive.
Admittedly, the above examples are SHORT interruptions and since they're in person, both table people are at least somewhat included in the interrupting conversation. The phone is quite exclusionary.
Good start for a conversation about the etiquette we WANT.