Also:
How to make friends, part 1
How to make friends, part 2
How to make friends, part 3
How to maintain a friendship
How to make friends, part 1
How to make friends, part 2
How to make friends, part 3
How to maintain a friendship
Sometimes — even if you’ve been good friends in the past — it’s time to end a friendship. On TV friendships often end because one person stole the other person’s lover or business, but in real life it could just be that you’ve grown apart and no longer feel like you have anything in common. Often two people can feel the change and they mutually drop the connection, but not always.
1. Know when it’s time to let go.
Many articles describe the signs that you need to let go of a friend (such as this, this and this), but only you can tell. Just know that it’s perfectly all right to move someone from your “friend” category to your “used to be friends” category.
2. No ghosting. This is worth repeating and it really comes down to not treating someone as you wouldn’t want to be treated (so only ghost if you enjoy being ghosted). Ghosting is when you suddenly stop responding to their repeated communication, with no explanation (disappearing like a ghost). It’s disrespectful, cowardly and humiliating for the person being ghosted. Never do it.
3. End it with dignity. Even if they’re someone you don’t want to see again, make a good faith effort to ease them out of your life without being a jerk. This article called 3 Ways to End a Toxic Friendship is pretty good. Its first suggestion might sound like ghosting, but it’s not. You’re still answering messages, but you’re delaying your responses and changing the tone of them.
Also the last suggestion in that article might sound like ghosting, but if you’ve given the person an explanation of why you no longer want to be friends and given them fair warning not to expect you to keep answering them, then it’s not ghosting. It’s setting the boundary of not letting this person back into your life.
I have ended friendships. Often it happens when we fade out of each other’s lives mutually, but I’ve also had to spell it out clearly for people. Each time I’ve ended a friendship it wasn’t in anger or woundedness. It was for such mundane reasons as not feeling like I could be myself around her or not sharing values or simply not enjoying her company anymore. It’s easier when the other person agrees and painful when they don’t understand, but I’ve done my best to make the other person feel respected and valuable even though our bond no longer felt strong.
I did not want children, am not married, and have always lived far from my family, so the relationships I rely on the most are with my friends. There is nothing I take more seriously than friendship and I’ve spent most of my adult life learning the best practices of being a good friend. I hope my posts on friendship are helpful.
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