My depression lifted! I’m SO grateful. Last Tuesday I went to one of my part-time jobs managing a co-working space, and when I started interacting with people I noticed that I felt like smiling for the first time in weeks. In the next moment I noticed that I felt lighter and I knew the depression had gone back into remission.
It feels so good to come out of a depressive episode! Not everyone’s depression comes and goes, but mine does. It’s definitely cyclic, but a big problem is that I don’t know what causes it to come back or what causes it to go away again. It’s mysterious and frustrating and I’ve tried to track my sleep and diet and habits, but no pattern has emerged.
That episode lasted six weeks, during which tasks piled up on my to-do list because I just didn’t have the motivation to do them. In the last four days I’ve started doing them and I’m struck by how completely different my energy and motivation are when I’m not depressed. How can I feel so different when nothing has changed about my schedule or food or exercise or sleep? Depression baffles.
Looking back on the posts I wrote when I was in depression (this, this and this) shows me again that depression really is a form of madness and not at all just a feeling of being down. It really causes a detachment from reality and shifts my whole view of myself and the world and life. Or maybe it doesn’t change my view, but it changes how I feel about my view. Two weeks ago I hopelessly believed my life wasn’t in my power to improve and it would be best to die early. Today I still believe most things about my life aren’t in my power to improve, but not all of them, and that’s perfectly okay. I still think it would be best for me to die early, but I can smile while I say that and shrug and not feel bad about it. The hopelessness is gone, even though my beliefs are pretty much the same.
So it goes. Since I don’t know how long this reprieve will last, I’m trying to get as much done as possible. Maybe if I get certain projects rolling, the momentum will get me through the beginning of the next depression before I wind down to a halt again. (Summers are hard for me. I can get very moody in the heat.)
I really, really hope I get at least two months of this lucidity. Maybe even three.
Ready or Not to Die
When my depression is bad, I feel ready.
I'm grateful, too, that the depression lifted. And I want this cycle to last as long as absolutely possible. Still, I really respect that you working with what you have, to the capacity that you can. It's a true mark of integrity, Regina.