Pope Francis has made it clear that he believes couples who choose not to have children are selfish. A recently published book gives insight into why choosing not to have children isn’t selfish. Today I’m blogging about neither. I say let’s look at the reasons people decide to have children. If we’re looking for selfishness, we’ll find it there, too.
Please note that I‘m not saying people who want kids are more selfish than those of us who don’t. I’m also limiting this discussion to the reasons people want to have kids before they actually have them. I realize that raising children requires endless sacrifice (if you’re doing it well). I’m talking solely about the motivations for wanting children in the first place.
Why do people want to have children? My friends who haven’t had kids, but want them, are usually unable to answer this. I’m startled by how little people think about their reasons for wanting children. It seems they don’t think about it at all; they just know they want them. But when pressed, people say things like:
1. I want the experience of being a parent.
2. I have so much to teach a child and I’ll learn so much from them.
3. You’re not fully grown up until you have your own kids.
4. I know my partner and I will be great parents.
5. I’ve always wanted a family.
These aren’t altruistic reasons. Reasons 1, 3 and 5 are about satisfying your own desires and making sure you get certain life experiences. Reason 2 is neutral, but I wonder about people who want children because of the ways they themselves will learn and grow. You’re going to create a human being to serve as a living workbook for your benefit? And reason 4 sounds a bit egotistical, too. Does this person want to show the world how parenting should be done? Do they think some people are more deserving of children than others? What makes them think they’re better?
These are just the reasons people are most likely to say out loud. There’s also wanting children to take care of you in your old age, wanting the respect of others for being a good parent and wanting children to dispel your loneliness, either in or out of marriage. From talking to friends who’ve been raising children for the past 10 to 25 years, I know less-spoken reasons are peer pressure, family pressure, spouse pressure, not fully realizing there’s an option to not have kids, and being afraid of running out of time (to be able to biologically carry a pregnancy to term).
None of these are good reasons to have a child either. Having a baby to ease your guilt or lessen the feeling of being the odd person out fits my definition of self-serving. And do I need to mention the selfishness of creating your own biological child when the world has so many abandoned children who desperately need homes?
Then there’s a reason I’m sure no one will ever cop to. One of the subjects of a recent This American Life episode voiced it (that’s National Public Radio’s weekly show that explores topics by featuring real life stories on those topics). Two high school girls were given robotic dolls that acted like babies, so they could get a glimpse of motherhood. Using technology that made each doll respond only to its “mother,” the system taught each girl what it was like to have a baby wake you repeatedly at night, the frustration of trying to figure out what a baby wants and the critical need to handle babies in specific ways, such as supporting the head. The girls couldn’t leave their dolls or hand them off to someone else because they wore bracelets that would send a signal if they did. They were stuck with their ersatz children for a full week.
By the end of the week, the girl who had dreamed of being a mother by age 21 had changed her mind. She decided to push children back to some later point in her life. The other one hadn’t been sure how she felt about motherhood before the experiment, but at the end she decided she’d love to have kids and was looking forward to it. She said:
Because I kind of like the feeling of having a baby. For some reason, I guess the idea that someone or something needs you and only you makes you feel all important. [CHUCKLES] It was awful, but at the same time, I was — I kind of liked it. I’d never really thought that I would want to have a kid younger, but maybe I would. [from the transcript of the show]
There it is, and I don’t think this is uncommon. People like to feel needed, especially when it makes them feel irreplaceable. There’s a lot of appeal to having a little creature that loves you and only you in this special way. It’s an ego boost. It makes you feel important. It makes you feel loveable.
So when Pope Francis, or whoever, makes those well-worn statements about how those of us who choose not to have kids are selfish, I want to say, “Okay, maybe I am selfish for not having kids. But let’s examine the motivations behind couples who decide to start a family. Are they completely selfless and altruistic? I think not.”
I’m not saying people who want children are more selfish than those of us who don’t. I’m saying that if we size this up fairly, we’re all the same amount of selfish. It’s just human nature to take action for one’s own personal gain. It’s okay!
So let’s state the full truth: we are all selfish in our own ways. Having kids is selfish and not having kids is selfish. Likewise, there are selfless reasons to want kids and selfless reasons to not want kids (not genetically passing on disease, leaving more resources for the children of others, etc.). No one’s perfect. Except maybe for the Pope, I guess.
I guess I can't really take someone who doesn't feel bad about the terrorist attacks in France (the victims of which, by the way, were not all White) but who's outraged about being called "young lady" too seriously.
Emilializ, I'm sorry I didn't respond to your last comment right after you left it. I just read it. Yes, having children is hard and having a child with developmental problems is even harder (my sister has one). And yes, I'm a very judgemental person and I judge everyone, whether or not you think it's my place. What I get from your last comment is that you think I'm a self-righteous jerk, which is fine. You're not wrong on that.
But I wonder why out of everything in this post, you picked only the adoption statement to respond to. Maybe that was the only thing you felt you could take a stand on without hypocrisy….?
Leaving aside the fact that adopting a child isn't as simple as going to an adoption agency and saying, "I want a child" and getting one, I must say that I have no desire to be a doctor. Therefore I don't really think I have the prerogative to tell a physician with a cushy practice in Manhattan that he/she should instead join a humanitarian mission in a conflict zone like Syria.
By the way, both my sisters have adopted hard-to-place children (i.e. children with mental/emotional problems). I don't think I could do that: a child with a purely physical handicap would be OK, with anything that affected the brain, no. My sisters have never told me, or anyone else as far as I know, that I should adopt rather than have a biological child. It's funny how sometimes the people who are the most "righteous" in their behaviour and actions are actually the least likely to be "self-righteous."
Emilializ – No, I've never adopted because I have no desire to raise a child. I tell people who already want to raise a child that INSTEAD of hatching their own, they should adopt one that already needs a home. I'm no advocate of everyone adopting children!
I wonder if the people who criticize others who have biological children rather than adopt have ever adopted any children themselves.
Yes, Joe. It's odd to me that priests and popes don't go through half the challenges of regular people (relationships, marriage, parenting), but have plenty to tell us about how we should handle them.
The guy chose a job where he could be excused for not having kids… and I am the selfish one!! He can't be serious