Thanks to everyone who responded to my Divorced Vs. Never-Married anguish. My friends DeShawn, Lon and Kenn particularly helped me see “So, why are you still single?” as a question that could be more about my first date’s fears than about my defects. Lon (a guy) wrote, “I think the subtext of that question might be (are you committed to never marrying? If I get real interested in you will that be a dead end eventually? Is there some big impediment to a lasting relationship here? ) I agree it’s an abrasive question and inappropriate on a first date – I’m a man and wouldn’t like it either coming from a woman.” Thanks, Lon. Those are all excellent points.
DeShawn (a woman) wrote, ” It may be more about them and less about you and your never-married status. I think my date asked that probing question, not because he really wanted to hear all of my important baggage, but he was afraid that there was someone else lurking in the background and he would need to be looking over his shoulder for the previous guys.”
Also a good point.
And a conversation with Kenn suggested that “So, why are you still single?” doesn’t translate as “So, what’s wrong with you?” He says it really translates as, “So, what are you looking for?” or rather, “So, how can I be The One?” or rather, “So, what do I have to do to have sex with you?” This possibility relies the standard guys-are-always-looking-for-sex argument, but I’m actually relieved by that possibility. In my opinion ANY hidden motivation, however base or stereotypical, is better than the underlying meaning being “So, what’s wrong with you?”
Finally, DeShawn wrote that if the question comes from any of these possibilities, it’s most appropriate to answer simply, “I haven’t found the right guy yet.”
Of COURSE! Why didn’t I think of that? Actually, I considered and dismissed that answer thinking that no one would ever be satisfied by it, but now it makes sense, but now I feel like I’m just going in circles….
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